Getting up to speed...

Well, after 2 1/2 years I've decided to start posting again. I have not stopped writing but due to confidentiality related to the fostering and eventual adoption of our now daughter, Deja, I quit posting. Please allow for some grace with my grammar. This is such a long entry I didn't take the time to proof read! Getting up to speed... September 2010 was my last post. At that time I was enjoying our newest addition, Audrey. She was only about 6 weeks old and we had already scheduled Buddy's vas. and we were content with our family size. He had his procedure in mid/late October, and in November we were faced with a new dilemma. Our local CPS had filed a CHIPS petition for my husband's cousins, daughter, DejaRayne. I had only seen this child twice in her 2 1/2 years of life. Once the prior Christmas when Carson crawled up to her and she responded by kicking him square between the eyes, and the second, just a few weeks prior to getting "the call" when she screamed and threw a fit at the local pizza place when Bud's grandma brought her with to meet us for dinner. I was asked to take custody of her for just a couple hours because her emergency placement was not available yet. I will never forget walking into the room and seeing this brown eyed beauty look up at me from behind the officers leg. I got down to her level and said hello, and held out my hand... She smiled a shy smile and hesitantly allowed me to grab her hand. We then said goodbye to the officers and staff and drove home. The whole way home she just sat in the car seat smiling anytime I said anything to her or looked at her. I'm sure it was a little overwhelming for her to walk into the house and find it full of other kids! I don't remember her talking to us, just smiling in response at everything. But, she did call me "Mommy" on that first day when she wanted something. It broke my heart. I didn't know whether to correct her or just ignore it. I didn't know if it was because she heard the others doing it or what. I also remember her calling Buddy, "Daddy". When she left that evening with her emergency placement; we both felt our hearts break a little. It was like getting a new puppy. We wanted her. Knowing the family history and being aware of the strong hold addiction has; we knew that if we stepped up, we needed to be ready for a commitment. So, we spent the weekend talking, praying, and on Monday when we were asked to bring her to her pre placement checkup, we knew that God had put this on our doorstep for a reason. We rushed the paperwork and by 5pm we were officially her foster parents. The next 16 months was full of heartbreak as we walked what felt like a tightrope of emotions. As foster parents you don't have rights. You don't even really have a right to an opinion because all that opinion could do,if shared, is put you at risk of upsetting the wrong person. CPS is the guardian, they at any time, and for any reason can remove a foster child from their foster home and there would be nothing you can do about it. It is not your child. You do not have rights. Journaling got me through this time and I was blessed with a SW and Guardian Ad-Litem who understood and supported me along with therapists and my close family/friends. I'm still not quite sure how I feel about the whole thing. Or rather, how I SHOULD feel. Every positive emotion feels wrong because it is shadowed by this huge negative. At the end of the day: A mother(just like me), and a father, LOST permanently, the rights to THEIR child. Every day I have to force myself to think of the NOW. All that matters now is that she is now entrusted to me, and I am responsible for her upbringing. August 24th, 2012 we officially adopted DejaRayne. She is now legally known as Deja Hope and shares our family name as well. The best part about the adoption? Well, to me there is a tie for "best": WE HAVE RIGHTS! & She is no longer legally an orphan. That was the hardest part for me in the wait between the TPR and the finalization. "Orphan" has a totally new meaning when it refers to one of your children. Having rights to me just means security. The same security I have with my birth children. They are mine. We get to say when, where, how long, and with who they go. You don't realize how much of a gift this ability is until you don't have it. Deja, now 4 1/2, has filled our life with so much joy over the last 2 1/2 yrs. Watching her grow and blossom is an amazing gift that never gets old. She is a bright, and talented child. Continually surprising us with her resilience. I hope to one day look back on our struggles of today in the same way I look back to many of the struggles we faced 2 1/2 years ago and be able to say to her "Look at you! You did it! You overcame! You persevered." With God, all things are possible. Right? She loves to sing (in the highest pitch possible without shattering glass...) and she loves to dance. She has become quite the little performer and she excels at her school work as well. She is very close to reading, and colors so neatly! Audrey is now 2 1/2... going on 20. She is at one my favorite stage of early development. Her personality is becoming more evident every day and it is increasingly hard to control my smile and laughter and the naughty, yet adorable things she says and does. She has mastered the potty and is SUPER independent. She is quite the little spit fire too. She is petite in size but has a HUGE personality. Carson is now almost 4. He is the most animated little guy ever. He uses his whole body to tell a story, and the stories he tells?! Whoppers! He has the greatest imagination and will be a great outdoorsmen with his tall tales in no time. He is petite as well, but has a belly that would make Buddha envious and he is proud of it. Halloween 2011 he went as "Chunk" from Goonies and even performed the truffle shuffle as part of his costume. He has his dad's sense of humor and is the family clown. Gustaf is 5 1/2 now. He is a bundle of energy. He still has his servants heart and often tells me "Mom, I'm going to clean the WHOLE house for you, okay?!" Sadly, like his mother he is VERY easily distracted. It's the thought that counts. He is in his 2nd season of Mite 1 hockey and has just moved up to the curved stick skill level. He has also been very impressive off ice; leaving his father in hopes of a motocross career that makes Travis Pastrana look like an amateur. He LOVES to ride his PW50 and seems to be a natural. He is also very close to reading (knows all of his letter sounds but has a hard time blending) and his writing is very neat. Delilah is 8. Whoa. She is in her 2nd year of piano, and recently started Karate. We are taking this year off of dance because of Deja's therapy schedule. But, they do plenty of performing right in our living room! A family in town was looking to rehome their upright piano and it has found it's home in our living room. She is growing up way too fast! She has become a very good reader and so we purchased her and American Girl doll to commemorate this accomplishment. The 8 year old girl in me is jealous. The mom in me hopes she knows how lucky she is and doesn't adopt a spoiled brat attitude about it. She has a PW80 but it doesn't seem to come as naturally to her, and she does not like the idea that her brother is better than her at anything. My grandpa's competitive spirit is alive and well in her! Buddy started on a new career path in the fall of 2011. He is now working at a coal power plant about 30 minutes from home. Shift work, great benefits, and he took a pretty major pay INCREASE. So proud to be his wife, and mother to his kids! He is a great provider for our family, both financially and emotionally. He has come a long way from HS dropout! God has really granted us a lot of provision for the road he has chosen for us. Taking on another child was not something we were financially ready to do when we agreed to it. But God has equipped us, over and over. I am volunteering at the kids school this year. I'm the Admin. Assistant at the NSCA and I love it. My mother opened a home daycare a couple miles away so Carson and Audrey enjoy spending time with her there a couple days a week so that I can help out at the academy. I also have been working hard on myself the last 2 years. I was not, and am not emotionally equipped to deal with some of my day to day life raising all these kids. God has met my plea for his help in this area by bringing people and provision into my life. Nutrition has been a huge focus for me over the last 1 1/2 years. This has helped to get my body and mind on the right track. My soul is also in training each day as I learn to go to God for my needs. I'm hoping that starting up my blog again helps me in all of my training, body, mind, and soul! Now that you've been brought up to speed, if you made it all the way through this, I would like to pray for you! I want to be more intentional about prayer in my life. Praying more for others is the way I'm feeling. You don't have to leave any details, a simple "Pray for me", is all I need. If you'd like to go into detail you can contact me privately or if you're comfortable, leave it in the comments. I'll leave you with this tidbit a friend on fb recently shared and I printed off to encourage me to start writing & sharing again: "I don't share my thoughts because I think it will change the minds of people who think differently. I share my thoughts to show the people who already think like me that they're not alone." -unknown